Tag Archives: Keep Austin Weird

Mom Power (The Way of The Mom) Mother’s Day Trilogy: Episode 3 (continued)

You know how when someone tickles you, your entire body feels the sensation and that’s enough to make you recoil and start throwing elbows in every direction? Well, imagine if that sensation were amped up times 10 and then concentrated in a spot on your body about a half inch in diameter. That’s the Mom Zapper Tickle Taser. I know, I know….ridiculous! but…..
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Mom Power (The Way of The Mom) Mother’s Day Trilogy: Episode 3

Mom Power: Are you ready to hear the truth about an ancient order, the existence of which we’ve all been fooled into completely ignoring? (Hand wipes in front of your face….”These are not the Moms you are looking for”) Continue reading

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A Boxer Shorts Slumber Party (Mom’s on the Floor Again) Mother’s Day Trilogy 2017: Episode 1

the sisters gifted me a really nice pair of boxer shorts, silk, featuring a classy paisley pattern. As we began to break out into our own corners of the house to get ready, Mom pulls me aside and with a smirk on her face, she says, “You know…those shorts have a button on the front. You have be careful with those”. As usual… Continue reading

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Looney Liberals

As The First Lady waves, she smiles real big right at me when she notices me sitting there,the big smile on my face. I do not wave back. Instead I keep looking right at her, concentrate, and amplify the wryness to a degree that is unmistakable and….. Continue reading

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Lil Chickies, Red Radishes, and Mexican Mama’s

It’s so remote they have their own unique Italian dialect even to this day. I think the Pavias may have once been Catholic because Grandma Naleid grew up in a household with twelve kids…..TWELVE! They say that when number twelve hit the scene, the priest made a special trip to the Pavia household, sat great Grandpa Pavia down and was like, “Dude…You gotta chill.” Apparently he took the hint. As a youth…. Continue reading

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No Bounce

I tripped on a tree root and flew forward only to pop back up like a weeble wobble a half second later. While I like to brag about that, nothing beats the college feat when I fell off the Dessau Hall stage, backwards, while filming a movie, without knowing it…….. and stuck the landing.
It was our first year in the program. I didn’t know anybody when I started out so…
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The Eighth Word You Can’t Say on TV

…but, this room is dead silent. As I scan the crowd, I notice not many people are making eye contact. The woman front and center is leaned back like a theatre patron sitting too close to the screen with her eyes slightly bugged out of her head, arms stiff, mouth ajar, as she glances around furtively to get a look at the people around her. I’m more than a little nonplused because I’m in rare form. I can’t figure it out! “What’s up with these people?”… Continue reading

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Flux Capacitor Optional…Son of a Bitch!

…at that, I realize that I had probably used one too many napkins about a half a pint in to the project and feel obliged to tell her the story about 1993 and the prettiest girl in Texas to make up for depleting her paper stock. She sympathizes and says, “Ooohhhh…that’s rough” and then jokes that, “all the cocktail napkins in the world aren’t going to make up for that bonehead move”. As she replenishes the dispenser…. Continue reading

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The Dukes of Smith County (AKA: Dude, I lost my muffins)

…Josh seconds my motion to stop off and fuel up (I’m craving some blueberry muffins and a Dr. Pepper). As I pop open the package we get back onto the road and checked the route. Here’s the next logistics problem. We failed to go over the plan in advance and with less than a year of driving experience, don’t know the city roads well. Checking the clock, Josh gets nervous because if we don’t deliver all of the papers by the deadline, the customers don’t have to pay the bill and he gets docked or maybe even fired. Since we’re behind schedule, he’s driving like a bat out of hell. I’m not feelin’ the rush so I’m like, “dude, you don’t have to speed, the papers aren’t going anywhere”. Not only does he ignore my advise, but … Continue reading

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I Want to Suck Your Blood (and maybe have some babies)

I was lying for her benefit but apparently she wasn’t as concerned for my comfort as I was for hers because at that remark she cringed even harder. Now I’m bug eyed thinking, “Oh crap! Now she thinks I’M the weirdo”. I try to recover but after things have gone this far…. Continue reading

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