Copyright © Blake Barham Naleid 2016, 2017. All rights reserved.
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You know how when someone tickles you, your entire body feels the sensation and that’s enough to make you recoil and start throwing elbows in every direction? Well, imagine if that sensation were amped up times 10 and then concentrated in a spot on your body about a half inch in diameter. That’s the Mom Zapper Tickle Taser. I know, I know….ridiculous! but…..
Mom Power: Are you ready to hear the truth about an ancient order, the existence of which we’ve all been fooled into completely ignoring? (Hand wipes in front of your face….”These are not the Moms you are looking for”) Continue reading
The Mom power has started to kick in and she starts to sense that somethin’s up. She tries to interject in a low voice, “Biiiiill”. Uncle Tom is starting to get a little uncomfortable but plays along. My dad isn’t listening. He persists,”Come on…..pop the trunk! It’s soooooo smaaaaall”…… I know what she’s thinking….”The kid is 19. When he crossed the stage in cap and gown, the Mom role went to part time. Whatever he’s got in that trunk….I don’t even want to know”. With partially clenched teeth, the Mom voice…. Continue reading
the sisters gifted me a really nice pair of boxer shorts, silk, featuring a classy paisley pattern. As we began to break out into our own corners of the house to get ready, Mom pulls me aside and with a smirk on her face, she says, “You know…those shorts have a button on the front. You have be careful with those”. As usual… Continue reading
It’s so remote they have their own unique Italian dialect even to this day. I think the Pavias may have once been Catholic because Grandma Naleid grew up in a household with twelve kids…..TWELVE! They say that when number twelve hit the scene, the priest made a special trip to the Pavia household, sat great Grandpa Pavia down and was like, “Dude…You gotta chill.” Apparently he took the hint. As a youth…. Continue reading
I tripped on a tree root and flew forward only to pop back up like a weeble wobble a half second later. While I like to brag about that, nothing beats the college feat when I fell off the Dessau Hall stage, backwards, while filming a movie, without knowing it…….. and stuck the landing.
It was our first year in the program. I didn’t know anybody when I started out so…
Now…there are those times when a plan just comes off perfect. It’s not all the time. It’s not even most of the time. Some of the time, you even fall flat, right into a pile of embarrassment. But, if you don’t ever take risks, then you’ll never have a story to tell where all the planets align and you get to be a hero. This day is one of those days where it all pans out so well that I won’t even try to take all the credit. There were no cell phones, so I couldn’t call anyone inside to find out when a scary scene was coming up. No matter. When you don’t have enough information, you’re going off your gut, and the universe comes alongside and shows you the way. And that makes success smell all the more sweet. I had a plan, so… Continue reading
…but, this room is dead silent. As I scan the crowd, I notice not many people are making eye contact. The woman front and center is leaned back like a theatre patron sitting too close to the screen with her eyes slightly bugged out of her head, arms stiff, mouth ajar, as she glances around furtively to get a look at the people around her. I’m more than a little nonplused because I’m in rare form. I can’t figure it out! “What’s up with these people?”… Continue reading
…at that, I realize that I had probably used one too many napkins about a half a pint in to the project and feel obliged to tell her the story about 1993 and the prettiest girl in Texas to make up for depleting her paper stock. She sympathizes and says, “Ooohhhh…that’s rough” and then jokes that, “all the cocktail napkins in the world aren’t going to make up for that bonehead move”. As she replenishes the dispenser…. Continue reading
I was lying for her benefit but apparently she wasn’t as concerned for my comfort as I was for hers because at that remark she cringed even harder. Now I’m bug eyed thinking, “Oh crap! Now she thinks I’M the weirdo”. I try to recover but after things have gone this far…. Continue reading